February 15, 2005

Made to feel so small

It's no wonder I've been struggling with my self-esteem since I was a wee one.

Today someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally scarred me for life. I suppose there's more room for more scar tissue in the beaten-up old mass that is me; but I'm damn tired of it.

I'm tired of being told I'm worthless by my flesh and blood. I'm tired of taking these comments at face value, getting upset enough to fight back with tearful, bitter words that only provoke more verbal abuse. I'm tired of accepting all this pain because to not quietly accept it would be to lose my family. I'm beginning to understand more and more why battered women stay. Sometimes, it's just too hard to leave. Sometimes, a better tomorrow is worth keeping your mouth shut and soaking the pillow that chokes your sobs in the quiet solitude of the night.

I don't want to live in fear anymore. When will this end?

Freedom will come in a few days for only one short week; but oh how I will revel in it. That unadulterated joy is the one true thing in my life. I only wish that I could hold onto it a little harder.

2 more years of this madness and then Dave and I return to building our new family. I can hardly wait.

hazel at 23:08

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