February 16, 2005
Like Water for Chocolate
Sometimes I have to wonder about the appropriateness of my disclosure here since I've seen how transparency can cause many problems.
Nonetheless, without turning the the Blogger's Manifesto, I can honestly say that I don't care what people take from the jumbles of words that I put out there for all the world to see. I am fully aware that because of my sporadic posts, my diary gives a distorted impression of she who is Hazel. Yet, those who are so naive to judge me merely on what is written here are not worthy of getting to know the real me anyway. Take what you will from these words. Know that while I take pride in being a candid and genuine person, what I say here will always be tainted by what you read into it.
I'm feeling much better right now. I had a trying, tearful day, but I came out on the brighter side of tomorrow. As usual, the charade of a happy family played out in slow motion as I froze with fear in anticipation of more hateful words being hurled my way. As usual, skeletons joined their old friends in that dark and dank closet. As usual, demons were swept under the rug. As usual, Hazel mixed her metaphors in her diary instead of doing her work!
I don't know how to explain it all. I feel the blackness in my chest and know that despite the cheery facade, something bubbles beneath the surface. Another eruption is looming. Years of anguish without apology cannot be met without some kind of resistance. I resist resisting with all my might; but my heart won't let me tolerate this forever. I will try to be "good." I will "improve" if that saves my life; but I don't know that I will ever let go of it all.
In times like these, I miss sessions with my unlikely hero--Doctor H. I'm not ready to open an old can of worms with a new doctor. Not yet. I'll be in the same city as the good doctor very shortly, but I don't think that I can make an appointment.
Frankly, I don't think that I'll need one since I'm going home to my baby! (Yeah, yeah...close the window or gag; but don't rain on my parade!)
Despite the impending stress of scrambling to finish these two assignments before Monday, I'm thrilled that I decided to go to Montreal early. I couldn't have finished this work early anyway.
The glass is overflowing with pure, fresh spring water. And I'm going to share it with David. :)
hazel at 22:43
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